The MLB Player Genome Project

(From 07/17/08)

I'm crediting this to the Physical Anthropology class I took at El Co a few seasons ago in my academic career.

I've decided to research the genetic composition of major league baseball players.

It is a known fact that most MLB players have slightly larger craniums than most average males. (See Jason Giambi, Alex Rodriguez, Kevin Youkilis, etc. They ALL have HUGE noggins). And it's probably true that most MLB players have the highest percentage of crotch grabbing and are less likely to refrain from readjusting their unit while nationally televised than the every-day bloke on the street. Hmmm. Maybe it's those MLB pants… they're quite binding. But I have extended my research and scientific findings on something I observed today during the Red Sox/Orioles series.

It's something I've been overlooking but it's an issue that's been hitting me in the face for decades (literally): Spitting and saliva.

Today while Brian Roberts was on second and leading off to try to steal third, I saw him spit out a white substance from between his teeth. That was not anything out of the ordinary. But when the camera caught him again shortly afterward, I noticed he was chewing gum. And he did it yet again. Then they cut to Francona in the dugout… and, same thing. He had a huge wad of the BG, pink even, in his mouth but continued to expectorate surplus saliva from between his front chicklets. Pedoria, Lowell… spitting, spitting. At any given point of any given game, any given player in the field, on the mound, in the dugout or bullpen is either grabbing his junk or ejecting something from his mouth regardless whether a camera catches it or not. It perplexes me. And this is something I'm willing to get to the bottom of. In the name of science and research.

Though I'm no scientist, this led me to the following compelling hypothesis:
If you are a major league baseball player, your production of saliva increases and your ability to swallow aforementioned saliva will decrease, thus increasing the probability of spitting.

I'm just wondering… do they produce more saliva than normal males and then do they simply have a disability of swallowing said saliva? Maybe they have extra genes that allow for larger glands or are lacking throat muscles which would prevent them from swallowing the saliva that they produce. But whatever the case, it's like a major league gleek fest out there. DNA sample here, squamous epithelia there, frothy, frothy saliva, EVERYWHERE… And it's got nothing to do with chewing tobacco, surprisingly enough. Or sunflower seeds for that matter. It's clearly the watery substance produced by the salivary glands.

If I can get enough grant money, I'm also willing to research the man-on-man posterior tapping, percentage of illegitimate offspring conceived while away on road games and sodium levels and the long term consequences of DAVID salted sunflower seeds. I may need to commission a private study on Dustin Pedroia for his sunflower seed intake and how many seeds he can pack into his mouth without it having adverse effects on his batting average. Not that it's relevant, I'd just like to spend some one-on-one quality time with him and I know he'd refuse unless it was for the benefit of "research."

I shall publish my findings in the fall after the post season if I can find any financial backers. Wait for it.

But I wouldn't hold your spit.